When all the things that you believe
Are things they never will believe
What's the sense in believing at all?
When the world you trust turns upside down
And it's not your world from sky to ground
What's the sense in trusting at all?
The rules are broken; they don't apply
Birds can swim and fish can fly
What's the sense in asking why?
Everything is random, changing
All of reality is rearranging
What's the sense in planning at all?
I know what you believe,
What you want me to believe
But what's the sense in believing...
If I
believe
in nothing
at least
I can't
believe the lies.
The world
is fine
around me
It's in
my head
I'm drowning.
When the world is different today
Than you remember it from yesterday
What's the sense in remembering at all?
When the sun shines cold and stern
And the snow on the ground burns
What's the sense in feeling at all?
When the words in your head are silent
And the thoughts in your heart are violent
What's the sense in thinking at all?
When the one you love was never yours
And you can't get back what there was before
What's the sense in loving at all?
I know what you believe,
What you want me to believe
But what's the sense in believing...
If I
believe
in nothing
at least
I can't
believe the lies.
The world
is fine
around me
It's in
my head
I'm drowning.
I know what you believe
What you want me to believe
But what's the sense in believing...
I
believe
in
nothing
at
all
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Deflated
I got all A's in my classes. I'm very proud of myself. I want to rub it in Trainwreck's face because she can't do it. She busts her ass and has to be content with A's and B's. Ironically, she thinks she will be able to get into top ranked master's programs on the merit of her stories alone. She's not a bad writer by any means but she certainly isn't good enough to overcome her grades and her hideous transcript of poor grades, incompletes, bouncing from school to school... She has no chance. I know that I am petty and evil for thinking this but I am reassured by looking at her pathetic attempts and comparing them to my undeniable triumph this semester.
I won't actually directly reference her in my open blog, even by her moniker. I don't know if she read my post and that's why she took her jabs at me or if she just has to keep the poisoned juices of her mind flowing, but she felt it necessary to elaborate this evening on how I held her back and treated her so poorly.
Just like that, my floating on air feeling deflated. I know that I shouldn't let her unfounded spouting off bring me down. But I did. At every turn I come face to face with a monster and I am never quite sure if the monster is her or me. I can't really deny the things she says.
I didn't make hanging out with her a priority. I was so wrapped up in my own little world and trying to dig myself out of the darkness that I didn't have the energy to go to the movies and out for coffee. I was too busy chasing 5 kids and dealing with one crumby thing after another. One of those kids was hers, of course. While she went to school or played at "financial advising" (What a joke!!), I was taking her daughter to storytime and teaching her to sleep in a toddler bed.
It'll be good to have her gone. She's ripped my heart out in too many ways. I am hoping that the distance will help. In the meantime, maybe sleep will help.
I won't actually directly reference her in my open blog, even by her moniker. I don't know if she read my post and that's why she took her jabs at me or if she just has to keep the poisoned juices of her mind flowing, but she felt it necessary to elaborate this evening on how I held her back and treated her so poorly.
Just like that, my floating on air feeling deflated. I know that I shouldn't let her unfounded spouting off bring me down. But I did. At every turn I come face to face with a monster and I am never quite sure if the monster is her or me. I can't really deny the things she says.
I didn't make hanging out with her a priority. I was so wrapped up in my own little world and trying to dig myself out of the darkness that I didn't have the energy to go to the movies and out for coffee. I was too busy chasing 5 kids and dealing with one crumby thing after another. One of those kids was hers, of course. While she went to school or played at "financial advising" (What a joke!!), I was taking her daughter to storytime and teaching her to sleep in a toddler bed.
It'll be good to have her gone. She's ripped my heart out in too many ways. I am hoping that the distance will help. In the meantime, maybe sleep will help.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Minor Detour
I should be writing my term papers from hell but I had to stop for a moment to jot this down. Trainwreck made me lol - literally - today. She has a new post up on her blog titled "Leopards Never Change Their Spots". She really hit that one on the head! Nailed it perfectly...
She is whining about her sister ruining their relationship that she struggled so hard to build. It was like reading her posts from 6 months ago!! Apparently, her sister won't accept that she wants nothing to do with their mother. Because of whatever this sister has tried to do to force poor Trainwreck to love her cruel and abusive mother, she cannot tolerate the sister any longer. She says:
Sound familiar? Then check out these other snippets from her bitch-fest:
...much as I loved her not because of what she could do for me, but because I saw her as a sister and I loved her and wanted to help and support her. Try this next one:
Apparently it's alright for her to unconditionally love her daughter but NOT okay for her sister to unconditionally love her mother. I truly don't think she understands that "unconditional" means no matter what, even if they do or become the most horrendous and morally repugnant being you have ever known. I predict that she will love her daughter "unconditionally" until she doesn't like some major life decision her daughter makes at which time she will "unconditionally" reject her. She basically said as much right up there.
Check out this broken record:
and...
OMFG! I don't have to make myself emotionally available to someone who obviously doesn't care enough to make an effort to maintain an independent relationship. That is the line that led to my breaking point! When she said that about me, I quit making excuses for her and I reciprocated her sentiments. But I am the evil, deluded, backstabbing, insane, burdensome, manipulative (etc) person in our split!!
Wow. I just have to laugh about it because it is proof right in front of me that she just keeps on doing the same thing over and over and over. She's a saint for tolerating a burdensome relationship, the other person places something or someone higher than her on their acting priority list, she rejects them, then she praises herself for doing it and for having been such a martyr in the first place.
But let's not forget how she always had to rescue me:
I will conclude simply by quoting the conclusion to her post, the perfect echo of a broken record:
Thank you God for clearly showing me the reality that is inherent in Trainwreck...
She is whining about her sister ruining their relationship that she struggled so hard to build. It was like reading her posts from 6 months ago!! Apparently, her sister won't accept that she wants nothing to do with their mother. Because of whatever this sister has tried to do to force poor Trainwreck to love her cruel and abusive mother, she cannot tolerate the sister any longer. She says:
Once again, by telling the truth and being honest, I have lost someone who was important to me."
Sound familiar? Then check out these other snippets from her bitch-fest:
I'm going to be 30 in a few weeks and I obviously don't have the lesson learned yet because I put myself out there once again, in a vain hope that I could resurrect some part of the relationship. Not out of loneliness or self-pity but because I simply love my sister. She's an amazing woman who has struggled to be a better person just as I have. But because we essentially have two different mothers, she has a different perspective than I do. No matter what, I will always love my sister. But it hurts too much to know that she can't understand what I'm saying.
...much as I loved her not because of what she could do for me, but because I saw her as a sister and I loved her and wanted to help and support her. Try this next one:
I've done everything I can to move past it as much as I can but it's still there. In the things I'm limited in doing. In the relationships I struggle with. In the sacrifices I have to make because I don't really have a family. I have a series of people who are, to one degree or another, involved in my life. The only family I have is my daughter, who I love unconditionally and always will, and who I can almost bet will eventually reject me as so many others have in my life. I can almost see it coming.
Apparently it's alright for her to unconditionally love her daughter but NOT okay for her sister to unconditionally love her mother. I truly don't think she understands that "unconditional" means no matter what, even if they do or become the most horrendous and morally repugnant being you have ever known. I predict that she will love her daughter "unconditionally" until she doesn't like some major life decision her daughter makes at which time she will "unconditionally" reject her. She basically said as much right up there.
Check out this broken record:
I want to have a relationship with my parents. More than anything. But they hurt me far too deeply for me to ever be able to do that. It would just be anger and bitterness and disaster ultimately.
and...
And if me refusing to connect with my mother is enough to destroy our relationship, which she promised it wouldn't, then I cannot stop that. I will always love my sister but I don't have to make myself emotionally available to someone who obviously doesn't care enough to make an effort to maintain an independent relationship. That makes me very sad but I can't control other people, only myself.
OMFG! I don't have to make myself emotionally available to someone who obviously doesn't care enough to make an effort to maintain an independent relationship. That is the line that led to my breaking point! When she said that about me, I quit making excuses for her and I reciprocated her sentiments. But I am the evil, deluded, backstabbing, insane, burdensome, manipulative (etc) person in our split!!
Wow. I just have to laugh about it because it is proof right in front of me that she just keeps on doing the same thing over and over and over. She's a saint for tolerating a burdensome relationship, the other person places something or someone higher than her on their acting priority list, she rejects them, then she praises herself for doing it and for having been such a martyr in the first place.
But let's not forget how she always had to rescue me:
Why does my sister constantly have to save her? I'll tell you why - for the same reason that I kept trying to save EBF from herself - because I was trained that way.
I will conclude simply by quoting the conclusion to her post, the perfect echo of a broken record:
For my sister's sake, I hope her mother pulls through. I know it would hurt my sister terribly to lose her. As for me, I miss my sister. But I will not change my mind on this. I know it is for my own wellbeing that I do this.
Thank you God for clearly showing me the reality that is inherent in Trainwreck...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sticks and Stones
It's weird. Sometimes reading the things that Trainwreck says about me hurts like salt in an open wound. Sometimes it makes me angry and I want to lash out at her all over again. Occasionally her comments make me laugh at the absurdity of them. Sometimes my reaction is minimal, a bemused acceptance of her infallible blame-casting.
When what she says upsets me and I need to work through it, I generally do it here. I already know that anything I say can and will be used against me, truthfully or distorted. There is no sense in giving her more ammunition. The fact is, I use the information against myself. Kinda hard not to when it glares at me so accusingly in my own mind.
She went through another round of the blame game a little while ago that prompted the renaming and another round of whining from me. And then I poked her with a small stick in my random thoughts post when I talked about lessons learned. Nothing too blatantly accusatory and nothing exaggerated or fabricated and nothing written solely for the purpose of antagonizing her. Still, I knew full well that it might get to her a little... my little passive-aggressive attack against her for still reading and for continuing to paint me as Judas.
It worked, if my intention was to annoy her. She came back again today, reiterating her belief that I betrayed her, that I kicked her out, that living with us was worse than hell itself, that I can't think for myself, etc etc etc.
Today, her words left me slightly bemused, slightly annoyed, slightly vindictive, and mostly resigned. I had the thought to go ahead and transfer these posts to the main blog and watch her implode when she reads them. I would like to claim that it wasn't anything more than a passing thought, but it was. Even now, I can't quite get the cast-iron bitch inside me to stop envisioning my taunts. I think I'll compromise and go ahead and get them out, but put them here where there is less chance of them coming back to bite me in the ass.
Trainwreck Annoyance Attempt:
I love to read Trainwreck's rantings about how rough her life is because of me and how wonderful she is for overcoming the hell that I put her through. There are times when it is funnier than anything Letterman could say. She will trudge through the same monotonous story over and over again and I can't help but wonder if she is trying to convince herself that it is true. She certainly hasn't convinced me. Here are some things that I am convinced of:
- my relationship with Trainwreck was indeed unhealthy. I wanted so badly to rescue her and save her from herself that I lost sight of the fact I wasn't helping her by doing so.
- even though I went about it in all the wrong ways, I did it for all the right reasons. No matter how many times she says that I forced her hand and kicked her out, I never intended for it to play out that way. I remained loyal to her even through the first couple of rounds of the final blowout. I never gave up on her until I read the part where she said she would not invest any more time or energy into our relationship. At that point, she is right: I gave up on her.
- all the trash that she talks about how horrible it was for her to live here? It drives me batty. On the other hand, I see where she would think the things she has stated. This household is indeed stressful. You try putting 8 people under one roof including a bipolar teenager, a severely depressive mother, a spoiled 2 year old, an even more spoiled mother of the 2 year old, and a variety of personalities diverse enough to make a rainbow look colorless. With the schedules we have and the stressors we have, and the numerous problems that her very presence intensified, she's right about it being stressful here.
- on the other hand... Before she moved in, I tried to lay out the ground rules. I asked her if she intended to become part of the household or a temporary guest. She adamantly claimed she wanted to be part of the family. I told her that I would expect her to be included in the things that we do as a family, including family cleaning and joint responsibility for day to day stuff. I also told her that I wanted her to pick one thing, any single thing, no matter how big or how small, and be responsible for it. I wouldn't expect anything else from her as far upkeep goes so long as she handled whatever single thing she chose and helped with family cleaning once a week.
- I tried very hard to make sure that she didn't have to cover my ass. I rarely left her with the kids in any situation where I wouldn't have left them if she hadn't been there. I never accepted money from her except occasional mid-week milk/pop/bread runs. I didn't criticize when she partially skirted family cleaning by doing "her share" before we began and then sat on the couch on her computer while we fought through cleaning day. I rarely said anything directly about the fact that the one single thing she said she would responsible for (dishes) still rarely got done. When she switched which job she wanted, I was fine with that and altered my expectations.
Wow. I just realized that I am doing the exact same thing she did. I am, yet again, trying to justify my behavior and my position regarding what happened. I suppose, like her, I am trying to convince myself that my side of the story is correct and hers is wrong. I'm going to try again and cut to the chase this time.
- I still don't think I "betrayed" her
- I don't think the expectations we placed on her were at all unreasonable
- I'm sorry things played out the way they did
- I miss having a best friend and having a friend with similar interests
- I don't miss how horrible I always felt around, and because of, her
- I don't miss the enormous responsibility I placed on myself to take care of her daughter like one of my own
- I do miss her daughter's smiles and hugs and personality and presence in my life
- I am proud of the fact that I came back to school despite her poisonous presence there
- I consciously don't avoid running into her at school and actually enjoy being able to walk by her with my head held high, proving that she didn't destroy me
- I still avoided the creative writing workshop out of fear that she would be there because I feel she is a better writer than I am
- I feel cruelly pleased with myself, knowing that I am kicking her ASS when you compare her grades to mine
- I worry that I am only doing so well at my classes because, compared to hers, they are easy and that once I hit the tough classes, I will sink much farther than she is currently at
- I didn't realize how horrible it was living with her until I experienced living with my Oldest-Friend
- I don't think I will ever again have a best friend in my offline world. That makes me feel sad and worthless
- Whenever something really good or really funny happens, my first thought is call her and tell her about it. Because I can't, I take comfort in knowing that I have had a triumphant moment that she can't take credit for, belittle as unimportant, or ruin
- When I read her blog, part of me wants to see her succeed and be happy but part of me relishes her suffering, especially in areas where I had once protected her form that suffering
That's all for tonight. It is after 2 AM and tomorrow comes quicker than I would like. In reading over my list, I pretty much hate myself for being this way. What a horrible person! She's right... getting away from me is probably one of the best things to ever happen to her.
When what she says upsets me and I need to work through it, I generally do it here. I already know that anything I say can and will be used against me, truthfully or distorted. There is no sense in giving her more ammunition. The fact is, I use the information against myself. Kinda hard not to when it glares at me so accusingly in my own mind.
She went through another round of the blame game a little while ago that prompted the renaming and another round of whining from me. And then I poked her with a small stick in my random thoughts post when I talked about lessons learned. Nothing too blatantly accusatory and nothing exaggerated or fabricated and nothing written solely for the purpose of antagonizing her. Still, I knew full well that it might get to her a little... my little passive-aggressive attack against her for still reading and for continuing to paint me as Judas.
It worked, if my intention was to annoy her. She came back again today, reiterating her belief that I betrayed her, that I kicked her out, that living with us was worse than hell itself, that I can't think for myself, etc etc etc.
Today, her words left me slightly bemused, slightly annoyed, slightly vindictive, and mostly resigned. I had the thought to go ahead and transfer these posts to the main blog and watch her implode when she reads them. I would like to claim that it wasn't anything more than a passing thought, but it was. Even now, I can't quite get the cast-iron bitch inside me to stop envisioning my taunts. I think I'll compromise and go ahead and get them out, but put them here where there is less chance of them coming back to bite me in the ass.
Trainwreck Annoyance Attempt:
I love to read Trainwreck's rantings about how rough her life is because of me and how wonderful she is for overcoming the hell that I put her through. There are times when it is funnier than anything Letterman could say. She will trudge through the same monotonous story over and over again and I can't help but wonder if she is trying to convince herself that it is true. She certainly hasn't convinced me. Here are some things that I am convinced of:
- my relationship with Trainwreck was indeed unhealthy. I wanted so badly to rescue her and save her from herself that I lost sight of the fact I wasn't helping her by doing so.
- even though I went about it in all the wrong ways, I did it for all the right reasons. No matter how many times she says that I forced her hand and kicked her out, I never intended for it to play out that way. I remained loyal to her even through the first couple of rounds of the final blowout. I never gave up on her until I read the part where she said she would not invest any more time or energy into our relationship. At that point, she is right: I gave up on her.
- all the trash that she talks about how horrible it was for her to live here? It drives me batty. On the other hand, I see where she would think the things she has stated. This household is indeed stressful. You try putting 8 people under one roof including a bipolar teenager, a severely depressive mother, a spoiled 2 year old, an even more spoiled mother of the 2 year old, and a variety of personalities diverse enough to make a rainbow look colorless. With the schedules we have and the stressors we have, and the numerous problems that her very presence intensified, she's right about it being stressful here.
- on the other hand... Before she moved in, I tried to lay out the ground rules. I asked her if she intended to become part of the household or a temporary guest. She adamantly claimed she wanted to be part of the family. I told her that I would expect her to be included in the things that we do as a family, including family cleaning and joint responsibility for day to day stuff. I also told her that I wanted her to pick one thing, any single thing, no matter how big or how small, and be responsible for it. I wouldn't expect anything else from her as far upkeep goes so long as she handled whatever single thing she chose and helped with family cleaning once a week.
- I tried very hard to make sure that she didn't have to cover my ass. I rarely left her with the kids in any situation where I wouldn't have left them if she hadn't been there. I never accepted money from her except occasional mid-week milk/pop/bread runs. I didn't criticize when she partially skirted family cleaning by doing "her share" before we began and then sat on the couch on her computer while we fought through cleaning day. I rarely said anything directly about the fact that the one single thing she said she would responsible for (dishes) still rarely got done. When she switched which job she wanted, I was fine with that and altered my expectations.
Wow. I just realized that I am doing the exact same thing she did. I am, yet again, trying to justify my behavior and my position regarding what happened. I suppose, like her, I am trying to convince myself that my side of the story is correct and hers is wrong. I'm going to try again and cut to the chase this time.
- I still don't think I "betrayed" her
- I don't think the expectations we placed on her were at all unreasonable
- I'm sorry things played out the way they did
- I miss having a best friend and having a friend with similar interests
- I don't miss how horrible I always felt around, and because of, her
- I don't miss the enormous responsibility I placed on myself to take care of her daughter like one of my own
- I do miss her daughter's smiles and hugs and personality and presence in my life
- I am proud of the fact that I came back to school despite her poisonous presence there
- I consciously don't avoid running into her at school and actually enjoy being able to walk by her with my head held high, proving that she didn't destroy me
- I still avoided the creative writing workshop out of fear that she would be there because I feel she is a better writer than I am
- I feel cruelly pleased with myself, knowing that I am kicking her ASS when you compare her grades to mine
- I worry that I am only doing so well at my classes because, compared to hers, they are easy and that once I hit the tough classes, I will sink much farther than she is currently at
- I didn't realize how horrible it was living with her until I experienced living with my Oldest-Friend
- I don't think I will ever again have a best friend in my offline world. That makes me feel sad and worthless
- Whenever something really good or really funny happens, my first thought is call her and tell her about it. Because I can't, I take comfort in knowing that I have had a triumphant moment that she can't take credit for, belittle as unimportant, or ruin
- When I read her blog, part of me wants to see her succeed and be happy but part of me relishes her suffering, especially in areas where I had once protected her form that suffering
That's all for tonight. It is after 2 AM and tomorrow comes quicker than I would like. In reading over my list, I pretty much hate myself for being this way. What a horrible person! She's right... getting away from me is probably one of the best things to ever happen to her.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
She Still Hates Me
I keep reading Trainwreck's blog; God knows why. There are times when it makes me feel better to see that I am faring better than she is. There are times when it makes me ache for the friend I used to have. There are times when I cheer for her successes. And there are times when I want to reach through the screen, across the internet and scream in her face. Mostly the latter of those reactions only happen when she starts blaming me again for ruining her life.
She's back at it. Check this out:
Wow. Where to begin with this one... I read this stuff from her and I wonder how she can possibly view it this way. I couldn't think for myself when I told her that she needed to start looking for her own place? I was protecting my son. From her. She hated him and made no bones about it. In fact, for all the "love" she professed to have for any of the kids, the only one she ever showed affection to was Kid-3. She would deign to co-exist with Kid-4 and she made a slight effort to warm up to Kid-2, but she was downright antagonistic to Kid-1. He continued to spiral downward and while she wasn't the only cause of that, she certainly accelerated and inflamed it.
So I finally take a stand and talk to her about it. The Med-Shrink wanted me to kick her out cold with a week's notice or so. I flat-out refused. I would never do that to her or to her daughter. As far as I was concerned, Trainwreck was my sister and her daughter was almost one of my own kids. I tried to talk to her about it and she got instantly defensive. She brought up that she had tried to look into subsidized housing and we had discouraged her from doing so.
What was I to say that? It's true. We told her she shouldn't do it unless she had no other option because that housing is typically unsafe and downright creepy. I didn't want my sister and goddaughter living in the slums as long as there was any other way. It hadn't even been that long before that I had wanted to find a way for them to stay with us indefinitely. I should have known better. I was selfish in wanting that. And deluded as to what it would mean. I didn't know how to come back from her response so all I could think to say was that she should reconsider it.
It's weird. Most of the details have started to blur. I remember telling her she needed to start looking for a place. I remember it got ugly. She basically told me that my son was to blame for everything and bashed him right to my face. When I wouldn't let her continue, she got pissed that I wouldn't let her express her opinion. She stomped off. I tried to reconcile with her a couple of times over the next few days verbally and by email. I got so confused as to what was happening and what should be happening.
I went to her blog to see if I could figure out where her head was so I could determine how to fix things. She had asked me flat out a few days before shit hit the fan if I was still reading her blog. (I hadn't been. I was pretty much lost in my own private hell.) And when I read all the shit she had been saying, about me, about my kids, about my husband, about my family and friends... I was shocked to the core and do hurt that I couldn't even breathe.
I remember few details now, even though it is only 6 months ago. I remember her saying how hard she tried to defend me to my friends and family - a flat out lie. I remember her being completely pissed at me for not spending time with her and talking to her about what I was going through. And I remember, most vividly, her stating point blank that she wasn't going to put any more energy into her our relationship because I was incapable of giving her the time and attention she needed.
That was the breaking point. That's when my mindset shifted to trying to find the right things to say to her that would mend the rift opening between us and into just wanting it to be over. I did everything I could for her and her daughter. I gave them everything I had mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. And I know now that I shouldn't have done those things. I was willing to drown in order to keep her afloat. I was trying to rescue instead of help.
How ironic that I learned that in my hospice volunteer training, about one month too late. I had taken her in as a member of the family. I tried to treat her like a member of the family. But she has no idea what it means to be part of a family and she was completely incapable or unwilling to learn. Never again. I will never again let someone that close to me. I will never again enter a relationship with any expectations of reciprocity of any kind.
It's like my philosophy on lending money: never lend money that you can't afford to not get back, financially or emotionally. I treat all loans, in my mind, as gifts. And if the person pays it back, that's great. But if not, I'm okay with that. And if I can't be okay with it, whether because I really need to get the money back or because I would resent gifting that money, then I will try to avoid giving out the money in the first place.
I learned. I learned the hard way that placing expectations on other people is a recipe for pain. A long time ago, Neighbor-Guy and his wife lent Hubby and I some money for the business we ran at the time. The business ultimately failed and could not repay that money. Our friendship with them nearly ended from that. Hubby and I did repay the money out of our pockets since the store couldn't, but it was delayed longer than agreed upon and the strain was terrible. I vowed then to never borrow money like that again and to never ever loan money that I can't afford to not get back.
I learned from my mother, too. My mother, bless her heart, has the best of intentions. But is best to avoid counting on her too much. Her health, physical and mental, tend to waylay the best of her plans. She doesn't intend to bail, but all too often, she has. So I learned. I learned not to count on her to go anywhere. I may plan on her going or doing and hope that she can make it. But I make sure I am fully prepared to cover it in case she doesn't make it. I changed my expectations of her and now I don't end up hurt or angry because I had expected too much.
I learned to change my expectations from Trainwreck too. Like me, she is incapable of being on time. With her it's mostly a respect thing: she has no respect for anyone else's time. She sees herself as so valuable that she is worth modifying schedules and plans. It used to totally screw me up. I would plan on her being somewhere at a specific time and she would be late and I would end up being late or having other complications from it. So I stopped expecting her to be on time. I started planning for it. And it helped. I stopped relying on her being where she said she would when she said she would be there and it helped me a lot.
Well, the entire fiasco has taught me another layer in not placing expectations on other people. When she came back to live with us, I tried to make her part of the family. I placed certain expectations on her that were a total mistake. I wanted her to pick a job, any job, and be responsible for it. And then I expected her to actually do the job she promised to do. I expected her to treat my kids the way my aunt treated me when she lived with us when I was a kid; she was another adult almost equal with my parents in authority and responsibility. But that wasn't a fair expectation to put on Trainwreck. She felt put upon by the requirement. She felt used and mistreated. She felt like we expected her to be our maid. I should never have placed any expectations on her.
And I never will again. My Oldest Friend basically lives with us now. Technically he lives with my parents but as he is here almost all the time except for sleeping, he pretty much lives here. This time, I know better. I will never place any obligations on him. If he chooses to participate or contribute, it is a bonus, it is him being generous. But I will never expect it from him. And as much as I am willing to help in any way I can, I will not get sucked into a rescuing pattern again. I will give him what I can give him but I will not drown myself to support him.
It's amazing - he never expects me to support him at my own expense. I don't feel like I have to buy his allegiance. I don't feel if I can't give him everything he needs, then he won't find me worth his time. The difference between him and her is so vast that it is like comparing centimeters with light years. It feels good to be friends with someone because they want to be friends with me rather than because I will babysit for him, give him money or food or internet access or whatever.
I was so into rescuing Trainwreck from herself that I couldn't see the damage I was actually inflicting, upon her and upon myself. I kept trying to pick her up every time she fell. She would blow off work and be shocked that they "laid her off" and I would reassure her that she was a worthwhile person. She would get down on herself and I would try to bring her back up again. She would find herself in financial ruin again and I would find a way to make sure she and her daughter got what they needed.
In the meantime, I was using every single bit of my energy just trying to keep breathing. All I wanted was to die, to get away from everyone and everything. I was drowning, getting more and more lost in the darkness of my own mind. Hubby left for train school and for a while, things were okay on the outside. On the inside, I didn't know how to make it through each day. It hurt so bad to be without him. It hurt so bad to see all the millions of ways I was falling down. I couldn't stand up for myself, let alone for 6 other people. And she covered for me. People got food and they had clothes. I would retreat to my bed as often as I could and let the kids fend for themselves to stay entertained and out of trouble.
And she was there, breaking up fights and trying to rally them into doing chores. But she resented it deeply and she resented me for not talking to her about what was going on with me. The farther down the rabbit hole I fell, the more frustrated she got with me. I don't remember December of last year. Actually I don't remember much of November either. But she does. Every moment that she had to cover for me, take care of the kids, cook dinner, deal with people... she has every moment crystal clear in her mind, evidence of what a saint she is and how horrible I was to her.
I stupidly thought that family did that, covered for each other. I was giving her everything I had to give and she was giving everything she knew how to give but I wasn't keeping score and she was. I expected too much from her. And I will never do it again.
Because I am the one who betrayed her. I am the one who was so horrible to her that the only people she could possibly hate more than me are her parents. I gave up on her and let her down and broke promises to her and ruined her life. I stood up for my son, I chose him over her, and I finally realized that she was using me. And thus I betrayed her. But it's okay... She is tough and smart and always lands on her feet. It is by her own hard work and determination that she has made it as far as she has despite the endless series of hardships that fate and cruel people have heaped upon her. And she talented and valuable and a hard-worker and she is focused and driven and she will make a better life for her daughter no matter who doesn't understand or tries to break her as I did. But she still hates me for all the horror that I put her through. As well she should... I let her down.
She's back at it. Check this out:
Everything that has been so hard and horrible of the last six months has come to me emotionally. I was so busy dealing with the crisis that while I dealt with the immediate emotions I didn't deal with all of them. The devastating sense of betrayal. The regret. The absolute anger and hatred. The inability to forgive - to budge even an inch toward the person who hurt me so terribly by uttering the words I did not want to hear. No matter what the words actually were, I heard so much more than what was actually said. You have to leave. You've overstayed your welcome. We don't want you here. We're letting you down and we don't care. We know you have nowhere else to go and that doesn't matter. We don't believe in you any more. But most importantly what I heard was, "I'm incapable of thinking for myself so I'm going to do whatever everyone else tells me to."
I want so much to be sympathetic to her. But even now I'm just angry as hell at her. She was part of the sacred trinity. A trust that should never have been broken. She was my sister. She was my best friend. And yet here I am, almost six months later and haven't spoke to her. But not a day goes by when I don't think of her. With anger. Pain. Sadness. Longing. Pity. But most days its more anger than anything.
There are only two other people that I've been angrier at and that's my parents. I relied on her. Trusted and loved her completely and she betrayed me in every possible way. Her thoughts. Her feelings. Her heart. Her actions. And just like my parents she feels no true regret.
Ultimately though, just as with my parents, I don't miss her - the person. I miss the relationship. I miss having parents. And now I miss having a sister. I know that I am alone in this world - abandoned by most of those that were supposed to never do that. Most days I accept that. But for some reason, today, it's harder to take than other days. And today was a great day - there's absolutely no reason for it to be worse today. Except that I have so many wonderful things going on and she was always the person I shared those things with. She helped me to remember that I was a valid person. For all the wonderful things she did, the one horrible thing she did obliterated them all. She should have fought harder. She should have talked to me. She should have been a friend. She should have TOLD me dammit! But I didn't matter enough to talk to me. But she mattered to me. I included her in everything. It hurt so much each day that she wouldn't include me in anything. She promised to communicate with me and then wouldn't.
Wow. Where to begin with this one... I read this stuff from her and I wonder how she can possibly view it this way. I couldn't think for myself when I told her that she needed to start looking for her own place? I was protecting my son. From her. She hated him and made no bones about it. In fact, for all the "love" she professed to have for any of the kids, the only one she ever showed affection to was Kid-3. She would deign to co-exist with Kid-4 and she made a slight effort to warm up to Kid-2, but she was downright antagonistic to Kid-1. He continued to spiral downward and while she wasn't the only cause of that, she certainly accelerated and inflamed it.
So I finally take a stand and talk to her about it. The Med-Shrink wanted me to kick her out cold with a week's notice or so. I flat-out refused. I would never do that to her or to her daughter. As far as I was concerned, Trainwreck was my sister and her daughter was almost one of my own kids. I tried to talk to her about it and she got instantly defensive. She brought up that she had tried to look into subsidized housing and we had discouraged her from doing so.
What was I to say that? It's true. We told her she shouldn't do it unless she had no other option because that housing is typically unsafe and downright creepy. I didn't want my sister and goddaughter living in the slums as long as there was any other way. It hadn't even been that long before that I had wanted to find a way for them to stay with us indefinitely. I should have known better. I was selfish in wanting that. And deluded as to what it would mean. I didn't know how to come back from her response so all I could think to say was that she should reconsider it.
It's weird. Most of the details have started to blur. I remember telling her she needed to start looking for a place. I remember it got ugly. She basically told me that my son was to blame for everything and bashed him right to my face. When I wouldn't let her continue, she got pissed that I wouldn't let her express her opinion. She stomped off. I tried to reconcile with her a couple of times over the next few days verbally and by email. I got so confused as to what was happening and what should be happening.
I went to her blog to see if I could figure out where her head was so I could determine how to fix things. She had asked me flat out a few days before shit hit the fan if I was still reading her blog. (I hadn't been. I was pretty much lost in my own private hell.) And when I read all the shit she had been saying, about me, about my kids, about my husband, about my family and friends... I was shocked to the core and do hurt that I couldn't even breathe.
I remember few details now, even though it is only 6 months ago. I remember her saying how hard she tried to defend me to my friends and family - a flat out lie. I remember her being completely pissed at me for not spending time with her and talking to her about what I was going through. And I remember, most vividly, her stating point blank that she wasn't going to put any more energy into her our relationship because I was incapable of giving her the time and attention she needed.
That was the breaking point. That's when my mindset shifted to trying to find the right things to say to her that would mend the rift opening between us and into just wanting it to be over. I did everything I could for her and her daughter. I gave them everything I had mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. And I know now that I shouldn't have done those things. I was willing to drown in order to keep her afloat. I was trying to rescue instead of help.
How ironic that I learned that in my hospice volunteer training, about one month too late. I had taken her in as a member of the family. I tried to treat her like a member of the family. But she has no idea what it means to be part of a family and she was completely incapable or unwilling to learn. Never again. I will never again let someone that close to me. I will never again enter a relationship with any expectations of reciprocity of any kind.
It's like my philosophy on lending money: never lend money that you can't afford to not get back, financially or emotionally. I treat all loans, in my mind, as gifts. And if the person pays it back, that's great. But if not, I'm okay with that. And if I can't be okay with it, whether because I really need to get the money back or because I would resent gifting that money, then I will try to avoid giving out the money in the first place.
I learned. I learned the hard way that placing expectations on other people is a recipe for pain. A long time ago, Neighbor-Guy and his wife lent Hubby and I some money for the business we ran at the time. The business ultimately failed and could not repay that money. Our friendship with them nearly ended from that. Hubby and I did repay the money out of our pockets since the store couldn't, but it was delayed longer than agreed upon and the strain was terrible. I vowed then to never borrow money like that again and to never ever loan money that I can't afford to not get back.
I learned from my mother, too. My mother, bless her heart, has the best of intentions. But is best to avoid counting on her too much. Her health, physical and mental, tend to waylay the best of her plans. She doesn't intend to bail, but all too often, she has. So I learned. I learned not to count on her to go anywhere. I may plan on her going or doing and hope that she can make it. But I make sure I am fully prepared to cover it in case she doesn't make it. I changed my expectations of her and now I don't end up hurt or angry because I had expected too much.
I learned to change my expectations from Trainwreck too. Like me, she is incapable of being on time. With her it's mostly a respect thing: she has no respect for anyone else's time. She sees herself as so valuable that she is worth modifying schedules and plans. It used to totally screw me up. I would plan on her being somewhere at a specific time and she would be late and I would end up being late or having other complications from it. So I stopped expecting her to be on time. I started planning for it. And it helped. I stopped relying on her being where she said she would when she said she would be there and it helped me a lot.
Well, the entire fiasco has taught me another layer in not placing expectations on other people. When she came back to live with us, I tried to make her part of the family. I placed certain expectations on her that were a total mistake. I wanted her to pick a job, any job, and be responsible for it. And then I expected her to actually do the job she promised to do. I expected her to treat my kids the way my aunt treated me when she lived with us when I was a kid; she was another adult almost equal with my parents in authority and responsibility. But that wasn't a fair expectation to put on Trainwreck. She felt put upon by the requirement. She felt used and mistreated. She felt like we expected her to be our maid. I should never have placed any expectations on her.
And I never will again. My Oldest Friend basically lives with us now. Technically he lives with my parents but as he is here almost all the time except for sleeping, he pretty much lives here. This time, I know better. I will never place any obligations on him. If he chooses to participate or contribute, it is a bonus, it is him being generous. But I will never expect it from him. And as much as I am willing to help in any way I can, I will not get sucked into a rescuing pattern again. I will give him what I can give him but I will not drown myself to support him.
It's amazing - he never expects me to support him at my own expense. I don't feel like I have to buy his allegiance. I don't feel if I can't give him everything he needs, then he won't find me worth his time. The difference between him and her is so vast that it is like comparing centimeters with light years. It feels good to be friends with someone because they want to be friends with me rather than because I will babysit for him, give him money or food or internet access or whatever.
I was so into rescuing Trainwreck from herself that I couldn't see the damage I was actually inflicting, upon her and upon myself. I kept trying to pick her up every time she fell. She would blow off work and be shocked that they "laid her off" and I would reassure her that she was a worthwhile person. She would get down on herself and I would try to bring her back up again. She would find herself in financial ruin again and I would find a way to make sure she and her daughter got what they needed.
In the meantime, I was using every single bit of my energy just trying to keep breathing. All I wanted was to die, to get away from everyone and everything. I was drowning, getting more and more lost in the darkness of my own mind. Hubby left for train school and for a while, things were okay on the outside. On the inside, I didn't know how to make it through each day. It hurt so bad to be without him. It hurt so bad to see all the millions of ways I was falling down. I couldn't stand up for myself, let alone for 6 other people. And she covered for me. People got food and they had clothes. I would retreat to my bed as often as I could and let the kids fend for themselves to stay entertained and out of trouble.
And she was there, breaking up fights and trying to rally them into doing chores. But she resented it deeply and she resented me for not talking to her about what was going on with me. The farther down the rabbit hole I fell, the more frustrated she got with me. I don't remember December of last year. Actually I don't remember much of November either. But she does. Every moment that she had to cover for me, take care of the kids, cook dinner, deal with people... she has every moment crystal clear in her mind, evidence of what a saint she is and how horrible I was to her.
I stupidly thought that family did that, covered for each other. I was giving her everything I had to give and she was giving everything she knew how to give but I wasn't keeping score and she was. I expected too much from her. And I will never do it again.
Because I am the one who betrayed her. I am the one who was so horrible to her that the only people she could possibly hate more than me are her parents. I gave up on her and let her down and broke promises to her and ruined her life. I stood up for my son, I chose him over her, and I finally realized that she was using me. And thus I betrayed her. But it's okay... She is tough and smart and always lands on her feet. It is by her own hard work and determination that she has made it as far as she has despite the endless series of hardships that fate and cruel people have heaped upon her. And she talented and valuable and a hard-worker and she is focused and driven and she will make a better life for her daughter no matter who doesn't understand or tries to break her as I did. But she still hates me for all the horror that I put her through. As well she should... I let her down.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
A Name, a Name, What's in a Name?
Wow. I came over to check blogs this afternoon, planning on reading through any new posts and maybe bitch a little bit and then try again to make the list for the Shrink of 20 things that I do right. There was a post from "her."
I still haven't decided what to call her on here. Uber-Bitch seemed to fit while I was furiously angry with her. My Former Friend worked as a substitute but feels lame. She had been calling me EBF (Ex-Best Friend) and that fits wonderfully but I can't use it since she is. I'm not actually that angry with her now so I don't need anything too aggressive but I still harbor a lot of ill-will towards her so I want something appropriately unflattering. I am trying to think of something that would reflect my attitude and perception of her so I'm trying to think of synonyms that might work.
Selfish, immature, vain, bloodsucking, ridiculous, self-absorbed, clueless, self-admiring, delusional, self-serving, pathetic, egotistical, narcissistic, egocentric, self-involved, unbalanced, irresponsible, unreliable, conceited, parasitic, emotional vampire...
I could go on and on about adjectives that fit her, most of which are unfavorable at best. But none of them fit as a name to refer to her. It's frustrating to say the least...
*** UPDATE ***
I think I have found it. Trainwreck. I officially dub her The Trainwreck. It just fits so well. She has caused so much damage in my life. The light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a train after all, and I ended up a car stuck on the tracks. She is the Trainwreck that resulted. So much pain, so much damage, so much potential destroyed, derailed, dead. But I can't look away. I continue to be fascinated by the carnage, even as it angers me at times, and pains me at times. But there are other times when I read her babblings and I feel triumphant because I know that I am better off without her. She is a Trainwreck. She is The Trainwreck.
I still haven't decided what to call her on here. Uber-Bitch seemed to fit while I was furiously angry with her. My Former Friend worked as a substitute but feels lame. She had been calling me EBF (Ex-Best Friend) and that fits wonderfully but I can't use it since she is. I'm not actually that angry with her now so I don't need anything too aggressive but I still harbor a lot of ill-will towards her so I want something appropriately unflattering. I am trying to think of something that would reflect my attitude and perception of her so I'm trying to think of synonyms that might work.
Selfish, immature, vain, bloodsucking, ridiculous, self-absorbed, clueless, self-admiring, delusional, self-serving, pathetic, egotistical, narcissistic, egocentric, self-involved, unbalanced, irresponsible, unreliable, conceited, parasitic, emotional vampire...
I could go on and on about adjectives that fit her, most of which are unfavorable at best. But none of them fit as a name to refer to her. It's frustrating to say the least...
*** UPDATE ***
I think I have found it. Trainwreck. I officially dub her The Trainwreck. It just fits so well. She has caused so much damage in my life. The light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a train after all, and I ended up a car stuck on the tracks. She is the Trainwreck that resulted. So much pain, so much damage, so much potential destroyed, derailed, dead. But I can't look away. I continue to be fascinated by the carnage, even as it angers me at times, and pains me at times. But there are other times when I read her babblings and I feel triumphant because I know that I am better off without her. She is a Trainwreck. She is The Trainwreck.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I Am Evil
I am a horrible person. I just posted a long-winded, rambling post about school. Specifically it is about how school didn't turn out how I thought it would. (The learning is much more awesome than I dreamed, the mental energy required is FAR less than I expected, the physical requirements are way more PAINFUL than I planned, and the emotional exhaustion is incredibly more intense than I anticipated.) There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. What makes me evil is that I did it on the main blog and with the intent and knowledge that it will likely needle Her.
I basically hinted that I am better than her because she can't keep up with her schoolwork. I implied that she is less book-smart than I am and that her priorities are fucked up and expressed my shock at people who skip class (like she did so that she didn't have to go shopping with her daughter and because she didn't want to go to class).
I didn't say anything in the post that isn't how I feel and it's not like I painted myself in an artificially rosy light. I lambasted myself for sucking so thoroughly at home. I just also got a dig in about it being easier to keep up at home now that she isn't here. It was a calculated attack against her constant assertions that she did so much around here and I would miss her when she was gone and realize just how much she did. Well, honestly, I did realize just how much she did - contrary to her belief, what I realized is that she added a lot more work around here than I had given her credit for. Not DID more work... CREATED more work.
I hope she reads it. (Actually, I know she will read it.) I hope she understands EXACTLY what I am actually saying, every little dig and insult. Because she knows she shouldn't be reading my blog any more. She knows she shouldn't care what I do or where I go or what I think. I would bet money that she is waiting for me to fail, to be so surprised at how hard school is, to get put in my place and realize that she is my academic superior. And instead I am laughing in her face.
Already she is behind in her classes. Of course, she had surgery and missed a week or so. (Never mind that she also cut class one day not related to her surgery.) And I am equally sure that she will dismiss my relative success as a function of the "fact" that she is working so much harder than I am and she has a toddler on her own and had surgery and boo hoo her life is rough.
She is waiting for me to fail and I am loving being able to prove her wrong while watching her prove her relative incompetence. Vengeance is sweet. Validation is satisfaction.
Now you can see why I am evil... I shouldn't care. And if I do care, I should wish her well. But right now, today, I don't wish her well and I do care and I hope she gets her breath taken away when she reads between those lines. I hope it shakes her confidence to the core for at least 10 minutes. I hope she has to rationalize her failings with layer upon layer of Poor-Me-I'm-Such-a-Victim-But-I'm-a-Goddess-to-Overcome-It-and-Succeed-Like-I-Have. I hope when she sees me between classes this week that it raises bile in the back of her throat and makes her blood run ice cold or boil over as she chokes back her words.
If I believed in Hell, I would know I am going there. I guess it's good for me that I don't.
I basically hinted that I am better than her because she can't keep up with her schoolwork. I implied that she is less book-smart than I am and that her priorities are fucked up and expressed my shock at people who skip class (like she did so that she didn't have to go shopping with her daughter and because she didn't want to go to class).
I didn't say anything in the post that isn't how I feel and it's not like I painted myself in an artificially rosy light. I lambasted myself for sucking so thoroughly at home. I just also got a dig in about it being easier to keep up at home now that she isn't here. It was a calculated attack against her constant assertions that she did so much around here and I would miss her when she was gone and realize just how much she did. Well, honestly, I did realize just how much she did - contrary to her belief, what I realized is that she added a lot more work around here than I had given her credit for. Not DID more work... CREATED more work.
I hope she reads it. (Actually, I know she will read it.) I hope she understands EXACTLY what I am actually saying, every little dig and insult. Because she knows she shouldn't be reading my blog any more. She knows she shouldn't care what I do or where I go or what I think. I would bet money that she is waiting for me to fail, to be so surprised at how hard school is, to get put in my place and realize that she is my academic superior. And instead I am laughing in her face.
Already she is behind in her classes. Of course, she had surgery and missed a week or so. (Never mind that she also cut class one day not related to her surgery.) And I am equally sure that she will dismiss my relative success as a function of the "fact" that she is working so much harder than I am and she has a toddler on her own and had surgery and boo hoo her life is rough.
She is waiting for me to fail and I am loving being able to prove her wrong while watching her prove her relative incompetence. Vengeance is sweet. Validation is satisfaction.
Now you can see why I am evil... I shouldn't care. And if I do care, I should wish her well. But right now, today, I don't wish her well and I do care and I hope she gets her breath taken away when she reads between those lines. I hope it shakes her confidence to the core for at least 10 minutes. I hope she has to rationalize her failings with layer upon layer of Poor-Me-I'm-Such-a-Victim-But-I'm-a-Goddess-to-Overcome-It-and-Succeed-Like-I-Have. I hope when she sees me between classes this week that it raises bile in the back of her throat and makes her blood run ice cold or boil over as she chokes back her words.
If I believed in Hell, I would know I am going there. I guess it's good for me that I don't.
Hypocrite
I was doing my homework tonight for the class at church tomorrow. It is a new member class - 16 weeks of, well... hell. The more I read in the Bible, the more I listen to the teachings of the church, the LESS I believe. I am to the point now where I am beginning to think the entire Christian faith is FULL OF SHIT.
And yet I am working towards becoming a member of this church. I take my children there and encourage them to listen and read and believe in the doctrine they are feeding us. I say the "right" things and promote the faith and the teaching and the practices. I ask them sometimes what they think God would want them to do in a given situation, how they think Jesus would handle it. I do my absolute best to never let them see that I don't believe and certainly to not show my growing contempt.
Why? Partially because a Christian foundation is incredibly helpful in our society, dominated as it is by Christians. But mostly because I want them to have the faith that I don't. I want them to believe that not only is there a God (which I do believe), there is a God that offers them a clear and concrete set of instructions for living appropriately. God and religion is a great shortcut to teaching morals. Believing in the Christian teachings also offers such comfort to people who have that faith. It is reassuring, like a cup of warm milk and being rocked to sleep after a nightmare. And it provides something I don't know where else to get for the kids: an appropriate and supportive peer group, one that accept them and encourage them to do good things.
I just can't swallow what they are offering. I don't think I shall ever find a religion that feels right. I can't express how much I miss the church I grew up in. But that church is so uncomfortable now that I can't and won't go back. Besides, there is too much backstory and undercurrents there that even if I did fit in (which I don't) I don't think I can ever again feel safe there. I don't know where to turn for the things I am seeking for my children.
But one things is for sure: if the teachings of the Christian church we attend are correct, I'm going to Hell...
And yet I am working towards becoming a member of this church. I take my children there and encourage them to listen and read and believe in the doctrine they are feeding us. I say the "right" things and promote the faith and the teaching and the practices. I ask them sometimes what they think God would want them to do in a given situation, how they think Jesus would handle it. I do my absolute best to never let them see that I don't believe and certainly to not show my growing contempt.
Why? Partially because a Christian foundation is incredibly helpful in our society, dominated as it is by Christians. But mostly because I want them to have the faith that I don't. I want them to believe that not only is there a God (which I do believe), there is a God that offers them a clear and concrete set of instructions for living appropriately. God and religion is a great shortcut to teaching morals. Believing in the Christian teachings also offers such comfort to people who have that faith. It is reassuring, like a cup of warm milk and being rocked to sleep after a nightmare. And it provides something I don't know where else to get for the kids: an appropriate and supportive peer group, one that accept them and encourage them to do good things.
I just can't swallow what they are offering. I don't think I shall ever find a religion that feels right. I can't express how much I miss the church I grew up in. But that church is so uncomfortable now that I can't and won't go back. Besides, there is too much backstory and undercurrents there that even if I did fit in (which I don't) I don't think I can ever again feel safe there. I don't know where to turn for the things I am seeking for my children.
But one things is for sure: if the teachings of the Christian church we attend are correct, I'm going to Hell...
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Right of Way
I will not yield my right of way. I do not intend to actively defend my territory but neither will be chased out of it. Damn the cliche: this town (or campus as the case is here) IS TOO big enough for the both of us. I have just as much right to be on campus where and when I choose as she does. I am doing nothing to impinge on her rights in any way. I will study in the lounge on Tuesdays and Thursdays and in the study corrals Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I will go to the gym on my schedule. I will get my coffee, walk the campus, go to the Students with Families events, park where I want and speak to whom I choose. I am not deliberately seeking her out, neither to torment her or to spite her or to inflict any manner of ill-will against her. But neither will I change where and when I go on campus to avoid her. If she is uncomfortable, she is welcome to change her location or time as suits her. If she chooses to stand her ground as I am standing mine, I see absolutely no conflict necessarily involved. I have no intention of interacting with her in any way overtly or implicitly. I will go where I need to be when I need to be there and her potential presence will neither encourage nor discourage me from doing so.
I don't have to like her. I don't have to hate her. I don't have to choose one or the other and maintain it unwaveringly. I feel what I feel - they are emotions and they are not good or bad; they just are. I hear The Shrink and I believe him. Just because I have the emotions does NOT mean I am forced or even doomed to take action upon them unless I so choose. Her comfort regarding my presence is not my responsibility or my problem.
Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great...... YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME
I don't have to like her. I don't have to hate her. I don't have to choose one or the other and maintain it unwaveringly. I feel what I feel - they are emotions and they are not good or bad; they just are. I hear The Shrink and I believe him. Just because I have the emotions does NOT mean I am forced or even doomed to take action upon them unless I so choose. Her comfort regarding my presence is not my responsibility or my problem.
Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great...... YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME
Friday, September 11, 2009
Differences in Attitude (Concealing Deeper Fears)
FUCK! I accidentally posted this on the public blog. I deleted it immediately of course but if she has subscribed to my blog, she will see the title and the first part of the post. She won't be able to read the whole thing, but she will know I posted about her in a critical manner. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
In reading her latest posts, I am reminded of a stark contrast in our attitudes. Today she was debating whether to ditch class to go grocery shopping or not. She says:
Subsequent information indicated that she did indeed go shopping instead of to class.
This shocked me at first but I quickly realized that this is actually completely in character for her. While I continue to agonize over missing one day of class to chaperon a field trip, she blithely ditches class because she doesn't want to go to class and doesn't like shopping with her daughter. I am practically anal about keeping my grades at the highest possible level while she is completely content to skate by with "adequate". There is also the assumption that she already missed at least one week of class due to her surgery. There is no indication that today's absence would be construed by the professor(s) as related to the prior, unavoidable situation. But perhaps this is just an unstated presumption on her part.
As I said, reflection reminded me that this is not an isolated circumstance. There are so many cases that I can point to empirically that demonstrate her willingness to forgo events because something came up and she didn't feel like pushing to honor her commitments. For example, she decided not to go in to work one day because a major glitch with the daycare caused her to be significantly late (more than an hour, if I recall correctly) - she subsequently lost that job and couldn't understand why. She had similar experiences with most of her jobs since she moved up here.
While some of the absences were clearly questionable (she had vacation plans or couldn't concentrate if her daughter were home ill - despite adequate childcare during such a time), many stemmed from illness where she didn't go to work because she felt miserable. Those could be argued that she had to put her health before the needs of her employers but she also failed to recognize this perceived lack of commitment as a critical part of the reason she was "laid off" repeatedly.
In addition to the absences, she showed the same ambivalence to the quality of her employed work as she does her school work. She held such an inflated estimate of her value as an employee that it never concerned her that she was often criticized and corrected for her plentiful professional shortcomings. She felt she was so superior in her capacity as an employee that her problem behaviors (such as an incredibly slow learning curve, rampant interpersonal conflicts, and a lack of concern for stated policy preferring quality to quantity) were barely relevant at all. She viewed any evidence to the contrary as the employers being unreasonable in their demands and her repeated layoffs as unfathomable and proof of incompetence on the part of the businesses.
(Does any of this pattern of thinking sound familiar?)
I have my own shortcomings, don't get me wrong. I have severe problems with follow-through, am easily distracted, and prone to frequent spells of mental instability that render me non-functional. I can be every bit as self-absorbed as she is, albeit with the opposite of intentions. (She is unquestionably convinced of her superiority regardless of the evidence and I am unable to accept any supposed evidence of my competence. I heard this referred to as "reverse narcissism" in the capacity of assuming everyone is thinking mean things about me all the time when in reality, 99% of people don't give a shit one or the other about me 99% of the time.) I have very strong self-destructive urges and tendencies that sometimes have severe negative consequences on my loved ones. For Christ's sake I haven't worked since Kid-4 was born because I can't hold my shit together long enough to be a competent employee.
So this may come across as a strong case of the pot calling the kettle black. What I am trying point out is not that I am some paragon of virtue but that her flagrant disregard for the importance and value of commitment shocks me because it is so foreign to my way of thinking. Most of her priorities are a 180 from my own.
She is living in the slums with the government paying her necessities yet is going to take a trip which by her own estimate will be highly expensive, leaving her daughter overnights in the hands of a babysitter paid for by the government. Am I so different? We spent close to $700 in Disney when I am on SSDI.
She crows prolifically about how hard she works but her documented work ethic disputes those claims. Am I so different? I take such pride in my commitment to my kids and yet fall down so often in ways that cause them pain and betray them.
She goes on and on about how her hard work and perserverence and ever-growing moral and mental character has helped her rise above all the hideously unfair challenges life throws at her, usually by cruel or stupid people intent on ruining her specifically. Am I so different? I approached our friendship with good intent but all the wrong actions and when it blew up in my face as it inevitably had to, I harbor ill will towards her more often than is rational.
Truth be told, the things that bother me the most about her are the very things I despise in myself. Her refusal to see those things is the personification of my conviction that I am all the things I hate and too blind to see it.......
In reading her latest posts, I am reminded of a stark contrast in our attitudes. Today she was debating whether to ditch class to go grocery shopping or not. She says:
The basics are moved in including [her daughter]'s bed and clothes and mine and basically everything from the shelter except for a box of food from the freezer and fridge. Then I'm either going to class or going shopping. I'm thinking about ditching class (Friday jitters + moving jitters makes it almost impossible for me to want to go to class) and just going shopping. I'm not entirely sure if I go to class if I'll have time to go shopping before I get [her daughter] and it's too much to do to have her with me. I hate to ditch class but it's early enough in the semester that I could probably get away with it as long as there's no quiz.
Subsequent information indicated that she did indeed go shopping instead of to class.
This shocked me at first but I quickly realized that this is actually completely in character for her. While I continue to agonize over missing one day of class to chaperon a field trip, she blithely ditches class because she doesn't want to go to class and doesn't like shopping with her daughter. I am practically anal about keeping my grades at the highest possible level while she is completely content to skate by with "adequate". There is also the assumption that she already missed at least one week of class due to her surgery. There is no indication that today's absence would be construed by the professor(s) as related to the prior, unavoidable situation. But perhaps this is just an unstated presumption on her part.
As I said, reflection reminded me that this is not an isolated circumstance. There are so many cases that I can point to empirically that demonstrate her willingness to forgo events because something came up and she didn't feel like pushing to honor her commitments. For example, she decided not to go in to work one day because a major glitch with the daycare caused her to be significantly late (more than an hour, if I recall correctly) - she subsequently lost that job and couldn't understand why. She had similar experiences with most of her jobs since she moved up here.
While some of the absences were clearly questionable (she had vacation plans or couldn't concentrate if her daughter were home ill - despite adequate childcare during such a time), many stemmed from illness where she didn't go to work because she felt miserable. Those could be argued that she had to put her health before the needs of her employers but she also failed to recognize this perceived lack of commitment as a critical part of the reason she was "laid off" repeatedly.
In addition to the absences, she showed the same ambivalence to the quality of her employed work as she does her school work. She held such an inflated estimate of her value as an employee that it never concerned her that she was often criticized and corrected for her plentiful professional shortcomings. She felt she was so superior in her capacity as an employee that her problem behaviors (such as an incredibly slow learning curve, rampant interpersonal conflicts, and a lack of concern for stated policy preferring quality to quantity) were barely relevant at all. She viewed any evidence to the contrary as the employers being unreasonable in their demands and her repeated layoffs as unfathomable and proof of incompetence on the part of the businesses.
(Does any of this pattern of thinking sound familiar?)
I have my own shortcomings, don't get me wrong. I have severe problems with follow-through, am easily distracted, and prone to frequent spells of mental instability that render me non-functional. I can be every bit as self-absorbed as she is, albeit with the opposite of intentions. (She is unquestionably convinced of her superiority regardless of the evidence and I am unable to accept any supposed evidence of my competence. I heard this referred to as "reverse narcissism" in the capacity of assuming everyone is thinking mean things about me all the time when in reality, 99% of people don't give a shit one or the other about me 99% of the time.) I have very strong self-destructive urges and tendencies that sometimes have severe negative consequences on my loved ones. For Christ's sake I haven't worked since Kid-4 was born because I can't hold my shit together long enough to be a competent employee.
So this may come across as a strong case of the pot calling the kettle black. What I am trying point out is not that I am some paragon of virtue but that her flagrant disregard for the importance and value of commitment shocks me because it is so foreign to my way of thinking. Most of her priorities are a 180 from my own.
She is living in the slums with the government paying her necessities yet is going to take a trip which by her own estimate will be highly expensive, leaving her daughter overnights in the hands of a babysitter paid for by the government. Am I so different? We spent close to $700 in Disney when I am on SSDI.
She crows prolifically about how hard she works but her documented work ethic disputes those claims. Am I so different? I take such pride in my commitment to my kids and yet fall down so often in ways that cause them pain and betray them.
She goes on and on about how her hard work and perserverence and ever-growing moral and mental character has helped her rise above all the hideously unfair challenges life throws at her, usually by cruel or stupid people intent on ruining her specifically. Am I so different? I approached our friendship with good intent but all the wrong actions and when it blew up in my face as it inevitably had to, I harbor ill will towards her more often than is rational.
Truth be told, the things that bother me the most about her are the very things I despise in myself. Her refusal to see those things is the personification of my conviction that I am all the things I hate and too blind to see it.......
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I Didn't Do Anything Wrong! (Did I?)
This post came out today:
I read this and I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong, that I had somehow wronged her. And I don't understand it. I didn't do anything to her. I saw her and went about my business. I didn't make eye contact, I didn't change my body language, I certainly didn't do anything to be construed as offensive or aggressive. And it's not like I went out of my way to be where she is, trying to rub it in or something. I had classes in that building. If she had stopped to think about it, she would have remembered that she even KNEW I had a class that day at that time in that building because originally we signed up for it together. It isn't like I started at this college because of her - I planned it first which then led her to choose to do the same.
So what did I do wrong? Why would she have been pissed a few weeks ago? What did I do??? I have gone out of my way to not post anything relevant to her on my main blog nor say anything on any of my public presences that had anything to do with her at all. She still visits my blog almost every day, often several times a day, as does her father-figure down in Florida. And I visit hers about once a day, when I have time. But I have made NO moves against her.
So what did I do wrong? Or if I didn't do anything wrong, why do I feel so guilty over this post? I don't understand!!!
Shelly Thinks: Color Me Unsurprised
I'm looking forward to the day I graduate from college and move to Florida. I mean, this town can really be too small sometimes. I ran into EBF today before class. In fact, I'm sitting all of ten feet from her waiting for people to get out of my classroom so I can go in. I knew it would happen eventually and frankly was surprised it hadn't already. Ironically, if it had happened a few weeks ago I would have been pissed, but now I just don't really care. I found it a bit ironic is all. I'm in such a better place now.
I read this and I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong, that I had somehow wronged her. And I don't understand it. I didn't do anything to her. I saw her and went about my business. I didn't make eye contact, I didn't change my body language, I certainly didn't do anything to be construed as offensive or aggressive. And it's not like I went out of my way to be where she is, trying to rub it in or something. I had classes in that building. If she had stopped to think about it, she would have remembered that she even KNEW I had a class that day at that time in that building because originally we signed up for it together. It isn't like I started at this college because of her - I planned it first which then led her to choose to do the same.
So what did I do wrong? Why would she have been pissed a few weeks ago? What did I do??? I have gone out of my way to not post anything relevant to her on my main blog nor say anything on any of my public presences that had anything to do with her at all. She still visits my blog almost every day, often several times a day, as does her father-figure down in Florida. And I visit hers about once a day, when I have time. But I have made NO moves against her.
So what did I do wrong? Or if I didn't do anything wrong, why do I feel so guilty over this post? I don't understand!!!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
My Son has Bipolar Disorder
On one of the forums I read periodically, a mother to a 15 year old daughter with bipolar disorder wrote about her relief at finding a forum with other mothers who understood the realities of life with a bipolar teenager. It struck a chord with me so I replied. My reply got VERY long as I wandered through my own thoughts on the subject. I am pasting my reply here:
[Member Name],
I have to agree with you about the relief in finding a group of people who understand, who have "been there, done that" to one degree or another, and who don't look at your BP child and judge your parenting or their character. These moms understand the challenges we face and the obstacles we fight to overcome.
My almost 14 yr old son has bipolar disorder. I think he was born with it, as weird as that sounds. As a baby he alternated between colicky (shrieking inconsolably for hours on end) and lethargic (even refusing to wake up to eat). At 10 months old, he was climbing vertical shelves. (He climbed out of the crib onto the closet shelves; I found him at the top on a shelf higher than my head.) At 18 months, he slept for daily total of 3 - 4 hours. He is my first-born, though, and I was very young, so I didn't know this was a sign of a serious problem. I thought it was a "quirk" or just a very active boy. At his 2 yr check-up, the pediatrician told me this isn't typical and it isn't even at the end of the "normal" range of behavior. We tried behavior modification in one way or another for almost a year: special diets, strict routines, rewards/consequences, loose routines, different amounts and ordering of activities... nothing worked. At 3 years old we put him on medicine.
Life with my son is a roller coaster. He is the sweetest, most loving boy in the world - until he snaps. We've been to many doctors and tried many medicines and therapies and techniques. When he's stable, he's an angel. When his meds are off, he gets downright dangerous.
We lost our health insurance last fall and had to switch him from an extended release mood stabilizer to the immediate release (cheaper generic) form of it. All hell broke loose. Between December 1 of last year and the end of this past July, we had the police out here NINE times because I couldn't contain him and he was trying to hurt me or the other people in the house. One of those times, I had tried so hard to avoid physical confrontation that he had trashed the entire downstairs (throwing everything, uprooting and throwing the trashcan and the litterbox, total devastation) and the police reported us to child protective services for neglect because it looked so horrible and sent out a social worker for an "evaluation". (We did get it resolved eventually.)
Last month, we finally got new insurance and could put him back on the right medicine. We have had ONE blow up since then and that was the day he missed his morning meds because of a poorly timed blood test and my faulty memory. We have had plenty of 13 yr old mouth and attitude but that's to be expected. He IS a 13 yr old boy and by definition there will be some of that.
But our best friends (and next door neighbors) have forbidden their kids (who are the same age and best friends with my younger boys) from being in the same place as my son. If he is inside, they can't be. If he is outside, they have to go home. If he is going to an event, they can't go. If he is swimming, they have to go home. He has never attacked them but his mouth gets VERY foul and they don't want their kids "learning" that behavior. So they cut him off until he can "get his behavior and his mouth under control". But they didn't give any kind of criteria for what qualifies as under control nor did they give any time frame for how long he has to be under control. And it doesn't matter that the problems were directly related to the medication problem and don't happen any more so long as he takes his meds (which I monitor carefully).
I feel so judged and attacked. I feel like my younger boys are being punished for their brother's behavior. I feel like my "friends" are being unreasonable in their reaction by throwing out an arbitrary and subjective punishment with no measurable criteria. I feel bad for my son who has yet another group of people condemning him for behavior that is partially (not completely) out of his control.
At the same time, I understand where they are coming from. For the last 9 months, he has been unpredictable and randomly violent. He will totally go off the deep end without warning and unexpectedly. He has bruised me up pretty bad several times and the things he says when he is angry would make a sailor blush. She doesn't want her kids exposed to that kind of "role model", rightly so. And they are mad at him for taking out his aggression on whatever adult is trying to calm him down (including them a couple of times when they came to back me up). Needless to say, it has put quite a strain on our friendship.
And they aren't the only ones judgmental of not only him, but of me. The number of people who advocate loudly that there is nothing wrong with these kids except bad parenting and parents who just don't want to deal with normal growing pains - it is staggering and downright painful. They keep saying that we are wrong and immoral to be medicating them and damaging them for life and there is no such things as pediatric-onset bipolar disorder. I wish they could see the difference between my son when he's out of control versus when he is stable but even then they claim having him on the meds is why he loses it when he's off them. Even a couple of close family members and intimate friends have questioned (and subsequently judged) the fact that he is on psych meds. Some don't think the meds are what helps and at least one of them thinks the meds are keeping him from learning to regulate his emotions. It's frustrating and it hurts.
Having some place to vent about our kids without be judged is priceless. Knowing we are not alone in our struggles makes the weight a little more bearable. Talking to and reading about moms who have been through it, lived and came out the other side stronger is empowering.
So, [Member Name], you are not alone. You are not a bad parent because your daughter has challenges. And there is hope.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Before and After
In reading my Former-Friend's blog, I found tangible (well, kind of, maybe measurable is more accurate) evidence that I am well on the way to healing from the disastrous parting of the ways between us. She has been sharing some good news lately and things are coming together for her.
Before, when I would read news like that, I found myself sneering in response and grumbling about her ways of "improving" her position. When I read that she had to drop her classes, I felt so vindicated and cruelly pleased at her failure. When I would hear that her daughter was ill or having a hard time, I felt really bad for the girl, but spitefully glad that it was causing my Former-Friend so much trouble. I took a dark kind of pleasure from her struggles - me! the person who has a hard time entertaining negative thoughts about anyone! But I did. I wanted her to hurt and to suffer and to struggle and to fall flat on her ass. As much as it hurt, as much as it triggered huge doubts and shame in me to read it, I received a backhanded satisfaction when she would go all soap opera and blame me for everything while absolving herself from any guilt; it proved my points in neon language. I was so angry with her, at her and about her.
It's as close as I've come to actually hating someone. I've felt that way a couple of times before: towards the (expletive deleted) girl who slept with my husband and towards the (now) husband of the closest friend I've ever had. (Yes, way closer than my relationship with my Former-Friend, though I knew her for a shorter period of time and it was a very long time ago.) Other than that, I just don't hate people, not even the people I'm told "deserve" that attitude from me.
But attitudes change, especially as time provides more distance and a different perspective. I read about her new car and grinned for her, a little worried about how she'll pay for it, but ultimately pleased. I'm glad to see she feels she's moving in the right direction and that things are going the way she wants them to. I share her worry for her little girl not feeling well again. (Though I confess to thinking (complete with snotty tone of voice), "Allergies, huh? She never had that problem here..." I'm relieved to see her business is picking up momentum again and that she is seeing positive results. I'm proud of her for dropping some of her weight and hope she can continue to do so, like she wants to do. (Though I did have the twinge of jealousy and hmph about skinny people, it has nothing to do with her and is a universal reaction.)
This is quite a change from the passive vengeance desires of as little as a week ago. And that is an improvement over the back of the mind plotting and scheming ways to make her life more difficult from a few weeks before that: "Sabotage? HA! This would be sabotage!" (followed by some mean and nasty thing I could do - but never would - to cause her pain...)
And let me tell you, it feels better this way. She has less power over me now than before. Every single thing in my life doesn't feel like rubbing salt into an infected wound. Every word out of her mouth doesn't trigger that cruelty welling up and trying to explode. My thoughts don't constantly turn to her, reminiscing over the good times, growling about the bad times, and wishing God or Mother Nature would smite her where she stands. Her blog is news now, not a likely catalyst for examining the veracity of her claims.
This is good. This is a step in the right direction. I'm not healed and happy and water-under-the-bridge, but I'm not a bloody mess, curled up in the fetal position on the floor, trying to remember how to breathe. I'm not free from the pain yet, but it isn't ruling me any more.
You have no power over me! - Labyrinth
Before, when I would read news like that, I found myself sneering in response and grumbling about her ways of "improving" her position. When I read that she had to drop her classes, I felt so vindicated and cruelly pleased at her failure. When I would hear that her daughter was ill or having a hard time, I felt really bad for the girl, but spitefully glad that it was causing my Former-Friend so much trouble. I took a dark kind of pleasure from her struggles - me! the person who has a hard time entertaining negative thoughts about anyone! But I did. I wanted her to hurt and to suffer and to struggle and to fall flat on her ass. As much as it hurt, as much as it triggered huge doubts and shame in me to read it, I received a backhanded satisfaction when she would go all soap opera and blame me for everything while absolving herself from any guilt; it proved my points in neon language. I was so angry with her, at her and about her.
It's as close as I've come to actually hating someone. I've felt that way a couple of times before: towards the (expletive deleted) girl who slept with my husband and towards the (now) husband of the closest friend I've ever had. (Yes, way closer than my relationship with my Former-Friend, though I knew her for a shorter period of time and it was a very long time ago.) Other than that, I just don't hate people, not even the people I'm told "deserve" that attitude from me.
But attitudes change, especially as time provides more distance and a different perspective. I read about her new car and grinned for her, a little worried about how she'll pay for it, but ultimately pleased. I'm glad to see she feels she's moving in the right direction and that things are going the way she wants them to. I share her worry for her little girl not feeling well again. (Though I confess to thinking (complete with snotty tone of voice), "Allergies, huh? She never had that problem here..." I'm relieved to see her business is picking up momentum again and that she is seeing positive results. I'm proud of her for dropping some of her weight and hope she can continue to do so, like she wants to do. (Though I did have the twinge of jealousy and hmph about skinny people, it has nothing to do with her and is a universal reaction.)
This is quite a change from the passive vengeance desires of as little as a week ago. And that is an improvement over the back of the mind plotting and scheming ways to make her life more difficult from a few weeks before that: "Sabotage? HA! This would be sabotage!" (followed by some mean and nasty thing I could do - but never would - to cause her pain...)
And let me tell you, it feels better this way. She has less power over me now than before. Every single thing in my life doesn't feel like rubbing salt into an infected wound. Every word out of her mouth doesn't trigger that cruelty welling up and trying to explode. My thoughts don't constantly turn to her, reminiscing over the good times, growling about the bad times, and wishing God or Mother Nature would smite her where she stands. Her blog is news now, not a likely catalyst for examining the veracity of her claims.
This is good. This is a step in the right direction. I'm not healed and happy and water-under-the-bridge, but I'm not a bloody mess, curled up in the fetal position on the floor, trying to remember how to breathe. I'm not free from the pain yet, but it isn't ruling me any more.
You have no power over me! - Labyrinth
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Cage of Fears
I finished another painting. This one is called Cage of Fears. It is actually an exercise I read in a book. The concept is to draw a cage with a figure representing myself inside it. Then label each of the bars with the fears that are holding me back from making the healthy changes I need and am working towards. It reminded me very much of the quote from the Bible: "Do you want to be healed?" "Take up thy mat and walk." It's like asking myself to define some of the obstacles that are barring (literally) me from moving forward. It also seems like a good outline for items to address in therapy.
Once I get a snapshot of the painting, I will post it here. In the meantime, the image I chose to represent myself is a hummingbird in flight. The bars on my cage read: (left to right)
nowhere to hide
who would I be?
facing my past
cage of fears (intended as title but found to fit)
failing at new expectations
unanticipated criticism
trying hardest failing publicly
I'll explain these in detail later.
Once I get a snapshot of the painting, I will post it here. In the meantime, the image I chose to represent myself is a hummingbird in flight. The bars on my cage read: (left to right)
nowhere to hide
who would I be?
facing my past
cage of fears (intended as title but found to fit)
failing at new expectations
unanticipated criticism
trying hardest failing publicly
I'll explain these in detail later.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Welcome to Wherever You Are
Welcome to my newly created blog. This is just temporary, as I said up in my summary. The fact is, I have not been able to write freely and honestly on my main site knowing that my Former-Friend is not only reading but judging and using everything I say as ammunition against me. She takes my words and twists them around until they fit the picture she needs them to fit. She misquotes or misinterprets what I say. While I don't mind her seeing many of the things I write about her, I have other areas of my life that I am trying to sort out in my blog - this is the entire purpose of my blog - and I feel angry and ashamed and scared when I remember that she is judging me. I haven't been able to publish several posts for fear of her interpretation of them. But mostly I haven't been able to write uncensored and honestly and I HAVE to be able to do that.
I will continue to post things over there that I don't mind her judging and corrupting. But my "real" posts will live here until my logs show she has stopped reading. At that point I will return to using my actual blog in the manner for which it is intended. I may or may not export these posts over there; I haven't decided yet.
Another change I am going to make is going ahead and posting the incomplete entries. I can always go back and finish them later if I haven't already worked out the problem in my head or through talking to others. I don't know that I will have any readers here since I made it unsearchable and not listed on the blog rolls, but if anyone wants to know what came of an incomplete post, leave a comment and I will update you.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this sub-section of The SV Chronicles. If you don't, don't read. As always, I wrote for my own sanity (or lack thereof) so things may not make sense to others or may offend them or bore them. Or maybe they will strike a chord and help someone else to not feel so alone in this great big world. I don't moderate comments and I am going to do my best to respond to any comments that are left. But, to re-iterate, the intended audience for my posts are the people that live inside my head, all of my Silent Voices that normally have no outlet of their own.
I have a small arsenal of songs that I listen to when I really need a pick me up. This is one of them. It also seems fitting for the start of this "transition".
"Welcome To Wherever You Are"
Maybe we're different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden, running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end
[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around
[Chorus]
Be who you want to, be who you are
Everyones a hero, everyones a star
When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes
[Chorus]
I couldn't find any decent fanvids using this song so this is the music video by BonJovi for it...
I will continue to post things over there that I don't mind her judging and corrupting. But my "real" posts will live here until my logs show she has stopped reading. At that point I will return to using my actual blog in the manner for which it is intended. I may or may not export these posts over there; I haven't decided yet.
Another change I am going to make is going ahead and posting the incomplete entries. I can always go back and finish them later if I haven't already worked out the problem in my head or through talking to others. I don't know that I will have any readers here since I made it unsearchable and not listed on the blog rolls, but if anyone wants to know what came of an incomplete post, leave a comment and I will update you.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this sub-section of The SV Chronicles. If you don't, don't read. As always, I wrote for my own sanity (or lack thereof) so things may not make sense to others or may offend them or bore them. Or maybe they will strike a chord and help someone else to not feel so alone in this great big world. I don't moderate comments and I am going to do my best to respond to any comments that are left. But, to re-iterate, the intended audience for my posts are the people that live inside my head, all of my Silent Voices that normally have no outlet of their own.
I have a small arsenal of songs that I listen to when I really need a pick me up. This is one of them. It also seems fitting for the start of this "transition".
"Welcome To Wherever You Are"
Maybe we're different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden, running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end
[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around
[Chorus]
Be who you want to, be who you are
Everyones a hero, everyones a star
When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes
[Chorus]
I couldn't find any decent fanvids using this song so this is the music video by BonJovi for it...
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